26 May How It Feels To Love Someone Who Is Toxic And Why It Takes Everything To Let Them Go
Counting my footsteps, praying the floor won’t fall through again. Any my mother accused me of losing my mind but I swore I was fine.
There’s no explaining it. You love him. You love him with everything you have and you can’t afford to lose him.
One day he can make you feel like the luckiest person alive but the next day he can turn it all around and bring out the worst in you. Today he’ll bring you roses and chocolates but tomorrow and the next day you’ll be running home alone and wet from the rain from a worthless fight with him. You don’t really know what will happen tomorrow but you do know once he shows up with his big smile, everything will be okay. You’ll be okay.
All your friends and your family tells you that you deserve better. You deserve someone who will never hurt you, who’ll make you happy and someone who’ll bring out the best in you. But they don’t know. They don’t know how much he loves you. They are not the ones hearing him say those words that can bring you to Venus. They don’t have any idea of the future you’ve created with him. The house, the garden, the color of the walls, the names of the children and the feeling of not needing to go home because this, this is your home – in his arms.
But then you see him with other girls, holding hands. You read his text messages with Jenna, they sound sweet. You call him, he doesn’t answer his phone. You go through Facebook, he’s partying with his friends. And the worst part? He’s doing exactly the same thing he warned you never to do with other boys. You tell yourself enough. But then he calls you. Remember the house? The garden? The color of the walls? The children? He knows exactly what to say.
And then, of course, it doesn’t end there. You think of the years you have invested in that person. The days, weeks and months of your roller coaster ride and you’re still together. Sure, you’ve shed tons of tears but it doesn’t really matter because you’re with him. It doesn’t matter, or does it?
I think the hardest part of being in a relationship with a toxic person is admitting to yourself that they (the people who warned you) are right and that you are wrong. That after all the hopes that he’ll change, it will never happen. That after all the lies you have fed yourself, you’re finally waking up and no matter how much you try to go back to sleep, your body knows it’s time to wake up.
You’ve been through this. You’ve been through the same exact feelings a couple billion time. But you’re in love with the pain. And you’d rather spend the days, weeks and months with the same person who makes you happy and drives your crazy than with anyone else. Worse yet, than being alone.