Looking back, a lot of good things happened to my 2017. But it was also one of the most challenging years for me.
Have you ever pushed yourself too hard that you ended up losing yourself in the process? And no, I’m not talking about giving all of yourself to a person and that person vanishes (I’m waaay past that, if you know what I mean) but giving your best in everything that you do?
I did that but I didn’t have enough resources. I kept giving, I couldn’t gain anything back.
I lost interest in everything. The woman who never gets late in an appointment ended up not showing at all. The woman who can be workaholic couldn’t get back to work. The woman who was always up to anything isn’t doing anything. The woman who supported anyone couldn’t get any support, even from herself.
Last year was the most emotional I could get. People asked me why, and I sincerely couldn’t tell why. I was crying every single day and night. It was the first time I couldn’t get off my bed because I felt fatigued. I did not want to go out and each time I did, something bad happens. I hated my dogs, I was easily-irritated, I wasn’t my normal self and it lasted for months.
One night, while walking home from a meeting I did not finish, I asked Jehovah how is it that I can feel Satan right under my skin and why I couldn’t feel him. Nothing. No one was there. I wanted to seek help but I couldn’t, I felt like the word HELP is right on my forehead but no one could see it. Maybe it’s because the Kalidas’ look like they’re strong and they don’t need any help?
I was literally drowning and I was feeling a lot of guilt because my husband was doing everything that he could to make me happy. He understood why I couldn’t get off the bed, why I couldn’t cook, why I wanted to stop working.
The next morning, a friend, knocked on our gate. I thought, “Oh! Maybe Jehovah is here after all”. When I opened the gate, she asked me if she could use our washroom for an emergency. Then I thought, “…or maybe not.” But I knew she was going to stay.
I broke to tears when she asked me how I was doing. (Still makes me cry even today). She just listened to me while I was crying like a cow and she told me what she was looking forward for in the paradise… Sincerity. Right at that moment, I felt sincerity from her. I felt Jehovah’s help from her.
To that friend, thank you. I don’t know the best way to thank you but I know how to write how I feel. So again, thank you so much for showing sincerity since the day we met until today.
(Cries in tears again)